How Not to Convince a Best Selling, Award-winning Author to Sleep with You


Remember the CHORF who whined to the internet about Souldancer not deserving its Dragon Award due to insufficient reviews? Neither did I, until it came to my attention that the nonentity in question had recovered from the rigorous ego-lashing administered by me and my readers and felt bold--or rash--enough for a second round of whining at even greater length.

Honestly, I debated about whether to dignify this clown's heel-nipping with a response. But you guys clearly enjoy it when I play whack-a-troll, evidenced by the coinciding spikes in my blog traffic and book sales. Since I live to entertain my readers, here we go...

NOTE: This will not be a full fisking, because a) the CHORF drones on at interminable length and b) I have a lot to do today.

The CHORF's whining will be in effeminate italics, while my comments will be in bold Bold.

[W]hen the pro-Puppy authors write something within the horror spectrum, they generally end up with the kind of work that editor and horror expert Stephen Jones associates with the term “horror-lite”...

That's quite a coincidence, because we pro-Puppy authors associate this kind of mean girl sniping with the term "testosterone-light".

This description fits Larry Correia’s Monster Hunter, Declan Finn’s Honor at Stake, and arguably Brian Niemeier’s Souldancer.

Since then, Souldancer succeeded in winning the Dragon Award for horror...

Yes. Yes, it did.

I'd retort by calling the CHORF a loser, but since he didn't have the balls to compete--or even produce a book at all despite having no compunctions about nagging people who've done both--that would just be dishonest :)

Around Halloween, the Castalia House blog ran a post called “SUPERVERSIVE and Horror Stories” in which Josh Young argues for the superiority of horror films with clear-cut heroes (such as Alien and The Evil Dead) over those which focus on college students being chopped up (such as Friday the 13th). 

Heads up, Josh! You should probably check the trees outside your house for six foot dudes wearing dresses and night vision goggles, because this particular CHORF rates pretty high on the creepy stalker scale.

Douglas S. Taylor, a former associate of the six foot tranny of the hour, offers his harrowing personal ordeal as a warning:
Out on the Internet and social networks there seems to be a very small group of people who may or may not pretend to be your friends. These people wish for nothing less than you to fail in your endeavors. Some harbor real hatred and go around undermining your social network. This happened to me. You see, I am the kind of guy that does everything from creating a blog, websites, writing and publishing books, graphic designs, and other things.
Let's see...underachieving pest trying to undermine a man who's actually accomplished something. Sounds familiar.
The very disturbed Doris V. Southerland classifies himself as a transgender and in all actuality very much a man just in woman’s clothing. I would like to add that I am unbiased about people’s life choices and he has certainly fooled several of the “all women social networks” this includes programs and the like. Doris is nothing more than a Bruce Jenner. This guy also joined up forces with “Women in Horror” which is supposed to be an all-female group.
A self-hating man who can't pass for a woman in real life, so he's reduced to congregating with the women he envies online. We've never heard that one before :\
I will be sending out warning to the women’s groups, companies, and programs so they should know of Mr. Doris’s deceptive practices. The list grows as the days pass.
Not all heroes wear capes.
Now, could this person be the same Doris Southerland from a decade ago?
If this is so, then this person has a far more serious problem than I can ever imagine. I am thinking this is one of a few reasons that his transgender transitions will not make it through the psychological profiles with the necessary screening processes. I just don’t see how he can.
I hate to differ with Doug, but his comment implies that Doris still has testicles, which recent events cast into serious doubt.
Regardless of Mr. Doris V Sutherland’s mental condition and that of his particular lifestyle in the latter doesn’t matter to me. Let’s take a look at something since he cannot, will not, shut up about me with his persistent personal attacks to include half-baked presumptuous assertions and outright lies. I am tired of emails with screen captures of how far this individual goes out of his way in sent in by my fan base. Not only does these barrages of haranguing messages, DMs, and emails just annoy people, it makes himself even more pathetic.
Corroborating evidence of Doris' profound mental instability [WARNING! SOME THINGS CANNOT BE UNSEEN! NSFW]: People's Exhibit A

With that in mind, let's turn the proceedings back over to Doris.

Niemeier then went on to claim that Souldancer outsold N. K. Jemisin’s  The Fifth Season, which won the Hugo Award for Best Novel earlier this year:

You know those deceptions and outright lies that Doug talked about? Here's a laughably brazen one. I never claimed that Souldancer outsold The Fifth Season. I said it moved more copies, which it did.

This could just be reading comprehension failure on Doris' part, but I wouldn't want to tarnish his rep as a major literary critic with that accusation. Instead, let's go with desperate, self-serving lie.

What Niemeier fails to clarify here is that he is comparing two separate charts. His screenshots show Souldancer‘s place on the free Kindle ebook chart, and The Fifth Season‘s place on the paid Kindle ebook chart.

Again, really tempted to chalk this one up to stupidity instead of malice, but there's a definite pattern forming, here.

Souldancer vs. The Fifth Season

Riddle me this: how exactly does one fail to clarify what he HIGHLIGHTED IN A SCREENSHOT? Doris obviously had no trouble divining this supposedly hidden information from the image alone. Is he criticizing me for not assuming that my readers are dumber than him?

I know with mathematical certainty that they're not, but for the sake of learning-impaired CHORFs out there:

Red circle


I will admit that Kindle sales charts are not my area of expertise, so in the hopes of finding an informed opinion I started a thread at Amazon’s Kindle Publishing Forum. The community members confirmed that Niemeier (whom I avoided mentioning by name, so as to escape political bias) is completely misrepresenting how Amazon’s rankings work:
There are 90K free Kindle books. There are 4.9 million Kindle books overall. Ranking placement is in no way equivalent. Also, many free downloads are by free download hoarders who have no interest in the book and will never read it, so the readership-expanding value of units moved is likewise unequal between free and paid. Ebook A [Souldancer] gave away more freebies than 90,300 other freebies. That is all a free rank of 100 signifies.
Granting that the cited quote from the Kindle community member is accurate, it doesn't refute my report that Souldancer moved more copies than The Fifth Season during the SD giveaway.

When I took the screenshot above, 5S was ranked at #371. That means it was selling between 175 and 200 copies per day. Not bad.

What neither Doris nor the Kindle Publishing Forum have access to is my KDP data for Souldancer, according to which SD moved over 1,000 copies on the same day. Generously granting 5S the maximum of 200 sales, SD moved five times as many copies in one day. Far from falsely alleging that I outsold Jemisin, my point from the beginning was that winning a Hugo is less effective at attracting interest in a book than a simple free giveaway that's available to anyone enrolled in KDP Select--1/5 as effective, in this case.

Niemeier concluded his post by asking his readers to prove me wrong by posting reviews of Souldancer; he confidently predicted that the book will soon have more than fifty ratings on Amazon. This call to action resulted in Souldancer‘s review count going from eight to twelve, prompting Niemeier’s glass-half-full statement that “Souldancer reviews are up 50%”.

Again with the reviews. You'd think he'd make the connection that my reviews go up when he makes these attacks. Happily for me, connecting cause and effect is to CHORFs what shunning their own vomit is to dogs :)

But if Doris wants to play another round of the review game, I'll gladly oblige.

Souldancer vs. The Golem

The Golem by Gustav Meyrink is a true horror classic that helped to define the genre. But what's this? Souldancer has more reviews (thanks to my awesome readers)! By what linguistic limitations force me to call the "logic" of Doris and his CHORF friends, The Golem merits derision as an obscure novel that's made "almost no impact". Sorry, Gus :(

Nevertheless, the Puppies – or, more specifically, Niemeier and his immediate circle of friends – kept up the charade that the little-known Souldancer was the most popular horror novel published within the Dragons’ twelve-month eligibility period.

Could me and my "immediate circle of friends" have been motivated by the fact that more people turned out to vote for Souldancer in a popular award than any other book?

And get it right. My readers aren't my "friends". They are the glorious masters whom I gladly toil away to please. Judging by my sales, huge majority of five star reviews, and award recognition, I succeed :)

Niemeier’s blog post received replies comparing me variously to a spoilt child, a high school mean girl and a wiggling worm for venturing to suggest otherwise. My personal favourite comment came from Niemeier himself; apparently channelling his inner Benjanun Sriduangkaew, he felt it appropriate to threaten me with physical violence:

Spotted in the wild: a butthurt crybully deliberately taking a clear metaphor out of context to lodge a flimsy accusation of receiving personal threats! Everyone got so tired of this passive-aggressive tactic that I thought all examples had died of neglect. What a rare DARVO we've found [DO NOT SAVE]!

Besides, Doris knows full well that I'd never physically threaten him. He's taller, outweighs me (if typical CHORF morphology is any guideline), and might have some weird cat disease that spreads on contact.

Unable to follow a coherent train of thought any longer, Doris wanders off on a meandering whinefest against my homeboy Alfred Genesson. But he's more than capable of dealing with such lame attacks, if he has time between writing highly insightful book, game, and film reviews.

...there is no shame in being a little-league writer who does what they enjoy, who picks up a few fans along the way, and who may someday go on to bigger things.

I agree with Doris on this point, because I was a minor league author with a small, devoted fan base. Now I'm a name writer who just co-authored a #1 best selling science fiction anthology with a lot of other people whose success will drive Doris back to Tesco for more crazy cat lady depression-sized drums of Ben & Jerry's.
Forbidden Thoughts Best Seller
Pretty sure this qualifies as "better things" :)

Brian Niemeier does not seem to realise this. For him, it is clearly not enough to have a small but loyal readership that has pushed him to the top of an online poll. He has to present himself as being fandom’s favourite horror writer – the “Dragon of Horror”, as he styles himself – even though he knows full well that this is simply not the truth.

Not everything Doris' neighbors' dog whispers to him through that crack in the wall is true, either.

By the way, thanks for the reminder about my title. I've updated this blog's header accordingly :) 

Doris finally closes with a quote from the founder of Wendy's.
I’ve always said that, to me, of the different communities I’ve been involved with over the years, the horror community by far is the nicest community, the most accepting people, and they’re easy to get along with. But if you’re an asshat, you will not be tolerated. Don’t be a dick. Because if you are, you’re going to get called out real quick.
And a predictably stalkerish threat of his own:

If the “Dragon of Horror” keeps things up, then this is a lesson he will soon learn the hard way.

Why do I get the feeling that "the hard way" is some kind of sexual innuendo?

Wait. Is that why Doris spammed his own blog with a 2500 word reply to my 600 word post? We know he's a creepy stalker. Is he vying for my attention?

OK, Doris--or as I shall henceforth call you, Corporal Clinger--senpai has noticed you.

Now fuck off :)

The most popular horror novel of 2016 as chosen by Dragon Con, Souldancer, is available here.

Already read SD? Leave a review.

And don't miss Forbidden Thoughts form Superversive Press, the best selling SF anthology featuring select Sad and Rabid Puppy authors (including me) plus an impressive stable of up-and-coming talent, with a foreword by Milo Yiannopoulos:

 Wrongthink is fun.



  1. >the horror community by far is the nicest community, the most accepting people, and they’re easy to get along with.

    Which is precisely why people like Dorris infiltrate communities like that. Here is the catch though. Once people like Dorris enter the community, it stops being a nice, accepting community. Right now H.P. Lovecraft is being scrubbed from awards, and other places. There are long, exhaustive essays how Edgar Allen Poe was a racist. This doesn't seem to strike me as "nice", "accepting" behavior.

    1. Exactly.

      Though it didn't make the post, I'm pretty tight with the horror scene. I've been a frequent co-host on an award-winning horror podcast, and I attended Gen Con twice on GM passes helping to run horror events. So yeah, I can vouch for the fact that the horror community are awesome, welcoming people. The only downside, like you said, is that it makes them vulnerable to SJW convergence.

  2. On the bright-side, we have the Make America Great Again Super Bowl between the Cowboys and the Patriots to look forward to this year ;)

  3. Brian, any idea on whether you want to do audio book of your novels?

    1. I'll answer your question with one of my own: would you financially support a campaign to crowdfund the audio books?