Escape from New York: Back to the Well

Escape from New York

Tell me if this sounds familiar: a long-delayed new installment in a beloved groundbreaking franchise emerges from development limbo as a soft reboot of the original intended to launch a new franchise. And if that weren't crass and cynical enough, the whole project has been warped into a vehicle for SJW propaganda.

No, I don't mean Ghostbusters 2016 or Star Wars. This time, the unfortunate victim is John Carpenter's iconic commentary on urban decay Escape from New York.

According to The Wrap:
(Spoiler alert: Don’t read this if you don’t want to know any plot details about the remake of “Escape From New York.”)
In the new “Escape From New York,” New York City won’t be a maximum security prison, we’ll find out “Snake” Plissken’s real name, and the bad guy will be totally different than the original. Also? It won’t start in New York.
Let me guess. Instead of a black gangster, our new villain will be an old, white businessman. How novel!
Those are just a few of the details TheWrap can exclusively share about the Twentieth Century Fox reboot of John Carpenter‘s 1981 cult-classic. Neal [sic] Cross, creator of the BBC crime series “Luther,” beat out several writers to win the writing job, and delivered a first-draft in late October. “Luther” is known for its grittiness and character work, so writing the remake is  definitely in Cross’ wheelhouse.
For those who are unaware, Luther stars Idris Elba, an excellent actor of African extraction who for some reason has become Hollywood's go-to guy in the current Recast a Traditionally White and/or Male Character as a Member of a Protected Group fad.

But I'm sure that Neil Cross, never mind the BBC, has zero interest in using the Escape from New York remake to play identity politics.
So what do we know about the remake? Let’s start with these 10 things:
1. Snake Plissken’s real name.
Plissken in the previous two “Escape” films didn’t have a name, but now he does: He’s Colonel Robert “Snake” Plissken.
Trivial nerd bait.
2. Our bad guy won’t be the Duke of New York.
Instead, he’s the lean, intensely charismatic Thomas Newton, the playboy heir to an agrochemical and biotech corporation. Five years ago, he decided to donate his entire fortune. Sounds like a good guy, right? He’s not.
Sounds original, right? It's not.
3. The role originated by Lee Van Cleef will now be played by a woman.
The film will introduce us to CIA Deputy Executive Director Roberta Hauk.
Swapping the race, socioeconomic status, or sex of a character in the same way as every other film does not constitute original thought. In fact, it's the polar opposite of creativity.
4. New York City isn’t a maximum security prison.
Weird, right? Because New York being a prison was kind of crucial to the whole “escape from New York” concept. In the reboot, New York is breathtakingly lovely. Manhattan is the island we know, but with more towering glass structures and a high, undulating glass wall. The sky is alive with drones as serene as bees, and artificial intelligence controls all in the form of an ethnically ambiguous, cheery young woman called April. A small staff of technicians and researchers known as “Seers” monitor all.
Okashii desu ne? Why do I keep picturing the writer of this piece as a teenage anime girl?
5. The remake doesn’t start in New York City.
The original “Escape” film deleted the opening scene that showed how Snake Plissken was apprehended. The new version won’t. Its set in another major city, one not in the United States.
6. The film imagines a world in chaos. 
Globally, one in every seventy five human begins is now either a refugee, internally displaced, or seeking asylum.
Escape from New York remake or Elysium II--you be the judge!
7. A hurricane is coming.
It’s called Superstorm Ellery.
Making a special cause du jour cameo alongside the refugee crisis: aging star global warming climate change the weather.
8. April’s security won’t be as good as everyone hoped.
That will make the whole city vulnerable.
9. Snake has only eleven hours to complete his mission.
In the original film, he had 22 hours. Plissken’s mission is to bring in Newton alive.
10. Newton has a failsafe.
It’s a mysterious device called Fat Boy — an ominous, dull metal sphere about the size of a car, in a nest of conduits and cabling.
Which, to anyone with even a superficial knowledge of history, is obviously a nuke. Which, to anyone with even a superficial knowledge of this series, will obviously be used for its EMP.
Sounds pretty good, right?
anime girl

NB: another dude named Neil already made an awesome Escape from New York remake with a woman in the lead role.

Dear science fiction fans, Hollywood hates you. If you stop paying attention and money to them, they will go away.

I, on the other hand, love you and express that love in the tangible form of fun, award-winning books. Your money and attention resulted in a third book, to be released this month. Want more? You know what to do.


  1. Neil Cross could probably have written a story about a dog lost in Manhattan trying to get back to its owner in Chicago and Hollywood would have lapped it up as an exciting, innovative re-imaging of the original Carpenter script. That is how much cache his name has these days.

    1. In real life, the dog would arrive to find his owner dead of a gunshot wound.

    2. Don't be silly, Chicago has some of the strictest gun control in the nation.

    3. I stand corrected. The dog would find his owner alive, well, and gainfully employed.

  2. I already know Snake Plissken's real name. It's Snake Plissken.

  3. Halloween? Smashed with a sledgehammer.
    The Thing? Check.
    Big Trouble in Little China? On the way.
    Escape From New York? Yep.

    So where's "They Live"? The SJW remake practically writes itself.

    Mr. Carpenter's work deserves better than this.

    1. Any studio dumb enough to remake They Live will deserve the heretofore unimagined levels of trolling they'll get.

      The memes write themselves.

    2. I prey to Kek every night that they make that mistake.

    3. Remember to leave out a plate of shrimp for Pepe on Keksmas Eve.

  4. Wait--is the hero also happening to be a "not my President" protester? Is the villain Donald Trump?

    1. Newton does sound like a cross between Trump and Bill Gates.

    2. We have a new member at our mission. He was saying on Sunday, "I haven't seen the democrats this upset since Abe Lincoln took their slaves from under their noses! It's beautiful."