2015/11/20

The Right Movies for Star Wars Saga Titles

A few of us were kicking the ol' peanut around yesterday on Twitter, and as is the wont of geekish gab sessions, Star Wars came up. I started contemplating the titles of the films in the main series, and the germ of an idea took root.

Late last night, that idea matured and yielded fruit: most Star Wars titles and their movies are simply mismatched.

Here you will see a gallery of works that should have been given the titles that Star Wars movies got instead.


The Phantom Menace
Jar Jar
The actual movie: political drama/series of flashy action set pieces wherein a pair of space cops team up with an unfunny Roger Rabbit-reptoid hybrid and a whiny kid as an excuse for lightsaber fights.

The movie this title belongs to:


carbon monoxide

Carbon monoxide safety video


Attack of the Clones
Attack of the Clones
The actual movie: more political intrigue as an excuse for CG clones and more lightsaber fights.

The movie this title belongs to:


Clones

Schlock 1970s sci-fi/horror film


Revenge of the Sith
Revenge of the Sith
The actual movie: the politics, CG clones, and lightsaber fights rise to a crescendo. A main character--and more than one audience member--loses the will to live.

The movie this title belongs to:


slasher

80s slasher flick; particularly a later, half-assed installment in a Children of the Corn/Omen/Halloween style "bad seed" supernatural horror series.


A New Hope
A New Hope
The actual movie: A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...the Rebel Alliance, having won their first victory against the evil Galactic Empire, must destroy the Empire's ultimate weapon, the DEATH STAR, to restore freedom to the galaxy.

The movie this title belongs to:


40s propaganda

A 1940s war propaganda film. (Which is no accident.)

Runner-up: a sports period piece, especially a boxing movie set in the 20s.


The Empire Strikes Back
The Empire Strikes Back
The actual movie: arguably the best ever made. A true black swan event resulting from an unrepeatable alignment of stars that elevated George Lucas' unintended sensation to unparalleled heights of brilliance.

The title this movie belongs to:


Empire Strikes Back

The F***ING Empire Strikes Back



Return of the Jedi
Return of the Jedi
The actual movie: after a musical number in a desecrated monastery, an elite fighting force from a Kardashev Type II civilization is demolished to a man at the teddy bears' picnic. Then the Jedi don't so much return, as a Jedi and a Sith Lord destroy the Sith.

The movie this title belongs to:


The Force Awakens

Star Wars: Episode VII (by all accounts)



The Force Awakens
sw7 poster
The actual movie: that would be telling.

What this title belongs to:
remainders
A vanilla Star Wars Expanded Universe novel that's been languishing on indie book store bargain shelves since its forgotten debut sometime in the mid-90s; its canonicity long since revoked.

This was my best shot at coming up with better matches for Star Wars titles. I'm open to your suggestions.

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